Wednesday, January 21, 2009

When will I start to believe?

I've mentioned before how my work as a notary signing agent (loan signings) has slowed to a crawl. Well, it's actually slower than that. The Gearhead has been working side jobs to try to keep our heads above water. Seeing the dark, dismal writing on the wall, I started looking for work the last few days. Not sure where to look, since I've been out of an office job for about six years, and I only want to work part-time. Well, truth be told, I don't want to work away from home at all.

So today, after I left a Fedex-Kinko's store where I inquired if they were hiring, I saw that I had a voice mail on my cell phone. Dang thing doesn't work in my house, and it registered a message that I had received about a half hour earlier while I was at home. It was a guy who owns a signing agency. He was referred to me by a notary friend, and said he would be getting quite a bit of work in the next few weeks, and needed good notaries. I called him back, and put my name in the loop for signings. So, for now, I'm waiting to see if the work comes through. I had a signing yesterday, I have a potential one for tomorrow, and if what this guy says is true, the next few weeks could be busy.

I have felt for quite some time that I was meant to be at home with my kids. For years, I denied that voice that kept saying "Just quit. It will be okay." I was too afraid to let go of the security of my job. Oh, the years spent being such a stress puppy. When I finally couldn't take working in an office anymore, He provided the notary job, and it was really good for about four years. It tapered off, and here I am, getting my heart's desire: To be a stay-at-home mom, 100%. Of course, it comes with the stress of not making ends meet, so it's not ideal. And just as I fully realize that our little family is fast sinking financially, the work picks up...or seems to.

So, when will I truly believe that God has it all in control; that He will neither leave me, nor forsake me? Really, it's quite ridiculous how many times He's come through for me, and yet I'm still a Doubting Thomas.


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